: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
