Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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