I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
