After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
