Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
