This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
well most of my day revolves around power hour
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
