I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
