I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
