Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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