Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
we're making bets on your personal life
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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