I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
