lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
