I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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