you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
