someone threw a dead crab at me
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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