Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
