I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
