roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
