my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Randomize
