He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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