I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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