Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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