So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
