I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Randomize
