Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
