Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
