Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize