Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
