My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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