just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
