god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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