Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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