you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
