I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
