I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
