paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
