I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
