I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
