i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
