broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
