i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
