You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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