Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
