I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
