Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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