so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
