Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
