i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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