his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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