Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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