I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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