i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
