as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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