I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
