2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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