if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
