I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Randomize
