wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
