This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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