I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
