my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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