I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize